Being Al-Rijal and An-Nisa’ ( Part 1 )

What is the formula to secure husband-wife relationship in order to make it always strong, firm and long-lasting? Some people say that only the true love between couple can preserve their relationship while others believe that children are the prominent key for this purpose. In fact, one cannot deny that it is easier said than done to keep this kind of relationship.

Focusing on western culture, most people nowadays are hesitated to legalize their relationship. They tend to not bind them officially as both are free and if there are problems in the future, they can easily break it up. No matter how they try to justify it, having said that it is hard for them to believe that marriage can make spouses to be more understood and loyal between each other.

In Islam, marriage institution is considered to be the important phrase in human life. Not surprisingly, there are a lot of versus from Quran and Sunnah talk about family, marriage, divorce, and rights between all of family members. All of them are the strong proof how Islam is very serious to preserve and strengthen family relationships either between the couple or between them and their children.

One of the interesting versus is from Surah Al-Nisa’ as Allah says:- 

Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand. ( An-Nisa' : 34)

Before moving on how this ayat shows the practical guideline for men and their spouses to manage their marriage, having said that there are a few misunderstandings that must be cleared first. For example, some people, especially those who are actively fighting for equality between genders claim that Islam promotes discrimination. By this ayat, it is understood that men are always to be top on women regardless their attitude, ability and achievement. In contrast, no matter how excellent women are, they must obey to men and could not be appointed as a leader forever.

Likewise, some Muslims also interpret this versus in the same way but they take it for granted. As a husband, they believe that they can do anything to their wives. Like a king, they order their wives to do everything. Failing to obey or fulfill their demands or desires means that their wives have caused God outrage. As a result, we can see some bad husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them.

The main problem for both groups is they do not read the versus wholly. As for the first group, if they read this ayat entirely and carefully, they will understand that its context is about family institution, not for all things like politics, study, career, rights and others. In Islam, family is an organization that leaded by Ar-rijal. Apart from that, Allah uses the word rijal with alif lam. In Arabic alif lam indicates the word is specific. Therefore, it is wrong to translate the word ar-rijal with men. In other words, not all men would enjoy the title of ar-rijal.

How can men to be ar-rijal?

Based on the ayat, there are two conditions:-

1. Allah has given one over the other

2. What they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.

Regarding the former, it is understood that a man who want to be ar-rijal must prove for themselves and parents that they are able to take care, to educate and to protect his wife. Thus, to accomplish it, his physical, intellect, emotion, spiritual must be stronger than his partner. If not, he has to find another woman. As for the later, to be ar-rijal, a man must spend his wealth to sustain his wife, including shelter, foods, clothes and other necessaries.

Regarding for the second group, they have to be cleared about the real meaning of the word qowwamun. Most of them interpret it as owning the women. In fact, the word qowwamun means to be in charge. In other words, husbands in Islam are the protector and those who are responsible for their wives.

So, Islam asks men, if they are willing to take this responsibility, then they are declared to be Ar-rijal. Meanwhile, their wives are not servants, but as the trustees. Failing to sustain it means that they have to answer in front of God.

   

The concept of marriage in Islam : the best reflection before getting a divorce

It is no secret that nowadays divorce is becoming increasingly common in Malaysia. In 2012, there were 56,760 divorces recorded in Malaysia, almost doubled from 2004. It means that in every 10 minutes, one couple chooses to end their sacred relationship. Focusing on the young couples, there has been a steep rise in the number of divorce petitions being brought by them.

In fact, there are obviously many different reasons why divorce rates have shot up, but the younger generation’s shifting attitudes are clearly to be the main contributing factor. To solve this problem, it is suggested by a few experts that society should minimize the sanctity of marriage. In other words, let people feel like they have an option when their relationship as not as they expect. To justify this view, personal happiness should be much more important than marriage institution.

Marriage in Islam

It is obvious that marriage is the important phase of human life. However, some people claim that their marriage is unlikely as their dream. In addition staying with their current marriage might be detrimental for one or both of them. Thus, as other laws and religions, Islam also provides an exit for couples if they find it as the only way to solve their problem.

But having said that, before claiming that Islam supports the divorce, do we fully understanding Islamic perspective on marriage institution? In fact, it is not simple as people think. In contrast, divorce is considered to be the lawful thing which Allah hates most. Thus, the divorce in Islam should be understood alongside its philosophy of marriage as follows:-  

1. Realizing the marriage contract

Due to the importance of marriage in a person’s life, it must be built based on a contract which involving a man, a woman, the woman’s father ( or other wali ) and at least two witnesses. This shows that marriage is a serious decision for people. Moreover, Quran has described marriage as the solemn covenant. Allah says in surah An-Nisa’:

“And how could you take it while you have gone in unto each other and they have taken from you a solemn covenant?” ( An-Nisa’ : 21 )

It does not mean that Islam discourages people from getting married, but they have to realize once they are declared to be a official husband, it means that they are ready to accept a huge responsibility to take care, guard, sustain and give the happiness to their spouse. Therefore, both spouse should be prepared physically, intellectually, emotionally and the most important is spiritually.

2. Choosing the right spouse.

Face the fact, the journey of marriage is determined by how far people concerned to choose their spouse. Thus, Islam stresses that a successful marriage depends on haw far people chose the right candidate. As for men, Islam gives the clear guideline as The Prophet solallahualaihiwassalam said:

"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed."

Why religion is considered to be the best choice? It is because a pious woman knows her responsibility, obligation and family dignity as she knows how to treat her husband very well, grow her children and take care the house when her husband go out.

Likewise, women or their father also need to pick the right man as the prophet said that

"Whoever comes to you and you're pleased with their deen and character (khuluq) marry them!" Whoever comes to you and you’re pleased with their deen and character (khuluq) marry them! If you don’t, there will be corruption and great harm in the earth.” ( Tirmizi )

3. Understanding the purpose of marriage.

This is the great question that must be answered by those who want to end up their single period. Even if they are successful to find good spouses but falling to understand the real objective of marriage might give the negative impact to their marriage later.

The beautiful versus from surah Ar-rum indicates about it.

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. ( Ar-rum : 21 )

Based on this versus, there are a few things that must be concerned.

a. Marriage is the sign of God. It means that the success or failure of marriage will be determined by God. Thus, to preserve and strengthen the relationship with God should be first if people want to achieve happiness in their marriage.

b. The main purpose of marriage as mentioned in this versus is to make men feel tranquil with their wife. In other word, people have to struggle to keep their marriage tranquilly. Forgiveness, tolerance, patience, gratefulness, mindfulness, receptiveness should be practiced by both husband and wife as far as they live together.

c. As a result, Allah promises to provide their marriage with love and mercy. The love that awarded by God is different as it is coupled with his blessing. As for mercy, it makes the marriage in Islam is the way to spread God mercy. Marriage is not just builds a relationship between husband and wife but also connect a wider relationship between two big families, making them know each other. Another mercy of the marriage is to produce the new generation of humans. Thus, it is totally wrong when people just want to marry because of love without any intention to have children.

So, before choosing divorce as the way to solve the marriage problem, does the marriage comply with the concept of Islam?    

Polygamy in West : A case of double standard

When the USA Supreme Court ended up legalizing the same sex marriage, the community of gay and lesbian has celebrated this historic decision across the country. It seems to be the peak of their fighting, especially to obtain full recognition by law for this kind of marriage. Now, the same sex couple can enjoy their rights to establish their family and grow up their children as well as every person has to respect the way of their life.

In the name of liberty and freedom, the same sex of marriage is allowed and recognized even it obviously against religious values, morality, civilization even nature itself. The president of the USA lauded the decision by the Supreme Court, claiming this is the new era for his country.

Nevertheless, when the movement of polygamy raises their demand to legalize the multi couple’s marriage, some people who strongly support the same sex marriage oppose that right. The main argument is this kind of marriage cause harmful for human life. To justify it, they pick a few cases of polygamy that practiced in the third world countries, showing many wives have been abused and neglected by their husbands.

It is really weird, how could they concern about negative impacts from polygamy but refusing to accept the fact that the same sex marriage is clearly a threat to humanity. Spreading diseases and epidemic like HIV, threatening the civilization and countries by restricting the birth rates, growing the children against the nature, to name but a few. 

But the biggest question is why they are doubled standard? Supporting the same sex marriage for the sake of freedom and human right, but denying to accept polygamy practice with the same reason?

Polygamy in Islam

Face the fact, how to solve the problem of a single mother with her children? How can she survive for herself and her children? Yes, there are men who still single, but are they willing to marry women who already consider as a widow and to sustain her children?

Does he know how to grow up them? Thus, even the polygamy is not the perfect solution for this problem but at least it is more practical as the men who already become a husband has experience to manage the family.

It is undeniable that polygamy might cause negative impacts to women and children, but it is not because of the polygamy itself but the men who practice it. In fact, Islam does not allow polygamy to be exercised except the husband could comply with its regulation. Thus, it is totally wrong if we portray polygamy as the way to fulfill men’s desire instead of helping women and children.

However, it is concerned that people always are misunderstood about the real concept of polygamy in Islam even Muslims themselves. The versus of Quran sometimes has been exploited. For example, when they talk about this versus.

“And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]” ( An-Nisa’ : 3)

This is the only versus in Quran that permits Muslims to have more than one couple in their life, but unfortunately, there are a few misinterpretations of this versus. The extreme most is from one group of Shiah who interpret it as a man deserves to has nine wives when Allah says one, two or there, means the total is nine!

Meanwhile, most of the Muslims do not read the ayat completely as they just focus on these words:-

"Please you of [other] women, two or three or four"

Thus, it seems that Islam allows polygamy without any guidelines and this might tarnish the image of this religion. In contrast, if we read the whole versus, there are few things that should be concerned.

Firstly, Allah has related the permission to practice polygamy with the right of orphans.

Secondly, the practice of polygamy must be complied with one condition which is man must be fair to their wives.

As for the former, we realize that polygamy is the way to help orphan. Even if you look the whole page, it is about orphan. Thus, it can be understood that polygamy in Islam aims to help widows and their children. To justify it, look how our prophet practiced this kind of marriage. Even, he is allowed to marry till ten wives, but nine of them are widows and old women and their children.

Regarding to the justice, it is considered to be the main requirement for husbands who tend to add their wives, it should not be looked down. In fact, Islam orders husbands to fulfill their wives necessities like foods, clothes and home. Thus, those who want to marry more than wife must not only remember this obligation, but have to deliver it fairly.

Back to our issue, the significant impacts and contributions of polygamy are very obvious and clear either for family institutions, the rights of women and children, nation civilization even human survival.

While they strongly struggle to support gay and lesbian in order to accomplish their right, why chose to be double standard when talking about polygamy right?   

Al-Quran is easy to be understood ( part 3 )

When Allah said that he had already simplified Quran in order to make people can understand its lessons, why Quran seems to be difficult. Apart from four factors that I have mentioned before, there are another few things that should be concerned by readers as follows:-

Reflect the heart

A prominent scholar, Dr Abdul Solah Al-Khalidi has written an interesting parable about Quran as he said this revealed book likes rain. As we know, the main character of rain is to nourish lands so as plants could grow up and produce their fruits or outcomes. However, not all parts of the lands could be affected since the only soft land could be fertile by rain. In contrast, if rain fall on the stones or harsh lands, both might not be changed. Likewise, the positive impacts of Quran are only effective for those who their heart is soft, pure and free from the bad attitude.

Allah says in the Quran:-

“Then do they not reflect upon the Qur'an, or are there locks upon [their] hearts?” (Muhammad: 24)

Based on this versus, Allah has related the process of understanding the Quran by heart, which is referred to sincere to find the truth, not their intellectual ability. In other words, every human can understand or learn the lessons from Quran except those who are arrogant and prejudiced. Thus, reflect your heart and ask repentance from God first, before starting to understand the Quran.

Feel Quran is talking with you.

The main problem for Muslims when they deal with Quran, they just consider it as a ritual activity as most of them just want to complete recitation only. As a result, their vision is only to pursue as many as they can finish reading this sacred book. Thus, it is not rare even they can completely read the whole Quran for many times but fail to understand its message.

In fact, with deep observation on every versus of Quran, we realize that the language that used in this book is very interesting. It seems that Quran is talking with its reader. Allah says:

And this Qur'an was revealed to me that I may warn you thereby and whomever it reaches. (Al-An’am: 19)

There is an interesting quotation from Muhammad Bin Kaad Al-Qarzi which was narrated by Al-Ghazli as he said

“ Those who reached for him Quran, means that he is talking with Allah” 

Another excellent example is how Dr. Jeffrey Lang,  an Associate Professor of Mathematics at the University of Kansas reverted to Islam. He was born in a Roman Catholic family and spent his young in Catholic schools. However, he became an atheist as his religion fails to answer many questions about God.

Finally, he was introduced with the Quran by his student. In the first he read its translation, he was shocked. He said:

 You cannot simply read the Quran, not if you take it seriously. You either have surrendered to it already or you fight it. It attacks tenaciously, directly, personally; it debates, criticizes, shames, and challenges. From the outset, it draws the line of battle, and I was on the other side. I was at a severe disadvantage, for it became clear that the Author knew me better than I knew myself. The Quran was always way ahead of my thinking; it was erasing barriers I had built years ago and was addressing my queries.

The story of Dr. Jeffrey Lang is long, but it is enough to focus that how he felt when reading the Quran as the book gave the amazing response to his attitude.